for anyone who wants to pretend they know something about my relationship I have a few things to say. You all need to move the fuck on. Neither me nor my boyfriend want anything to do with you neither of us has contacted ANY OF YOU unless you contacted us. In what the last SIX MONTHS!?! damn. Grow up. Move on. Get lives. Whatever you do I don't care just don't involve me in that bullshit.
And let me tell you another thing. You know nothing about what I am or am not doing in or outside of my relationship and it's none of your buisness in the first place. I dont speak to any of you, or anyone any of you sorry fucks know so the fact that I just randomly pop into your heads says smething about your free time. You have too much.
I love Jermaine more then I love myself. I love him more then anyone I've EVER known. I love him more then words can properly express. He is half of me. Fuck that he's more then half of me. If I lost him I'd be fucking NOTHING! My wanting a girl to fuck is a saftey net to ease my insecurities as well as sate my fucking sexual appitite. Nothing more deary. I want someone else to invest my attention into in case he turns around and isn't true. It's not that I honestly believe it will happen. Because I trust him and his words. HOWEVER It's hard to ignore past experiances. And in the past i've been FUCKED OVER a lot. Not so I can leave him. Dear god all the shit I've been through and all the people I've lost and you think I'd fuck him over? Yeah effing right. You must be mental. Besides if you fuckers remember correctly my man very much likes the idea of two girls... HEll we've disgussed it. It wouldn't turn out the mess it did lastime though. Because he'd be content just watching, or giving me some while I give her some.
SO since you wanted to be nosey and all IN MY SHIT even though it has had nothing to do with you in months i felt you should have a lil more information.
I feel ultimately fucked up and really bipolar. Except my cycles are no longer sperate. I have the manic happy smiliey bouncy bullshit tihng going on there and on top of that I have the depression in the back of my mind telling me how worthless I am and things like that. I donno. I wish it would stop. I really really do. Because I hate this. It's so confusing. That's the only thing about it... it's so frustrating. I've got a perfectly nice life. I have a job now and I think I'll be okay. I can keep these jobs I hope, for long enough to get into school. I don't know what to go to school for... I donno. I want to do something that will make me plenty of money but I need something that's going to be useful to me, and something that isn't going to get boring right away or SOMETHING fuck. I donno. I think maybe I just need to see a shrink about everything because I feel like my mind is being torn into fifteen different directions.
I've been neglecting you and my journal friends and I'm sorry. My life has been nothing interesting lately. No new friends despite my efforts. I have some new cloths, I DO have a new job and I should have another onesoon. I should have a new car right around the newyears which means I gett o move soon. . . if he doesn't get a job Jermaine is getting left behind. I'm not jamie, no nigga is livin' in my shit without paying for SOMETHING! So if he doesn't get a job he's stuck at his step momma's house till he does. I hate sleeping alone and I hate being alone now though .. . I look forward to having my own space. I need a closet I can hide in or something. I need some help that's what I need. I'm off to join writing communities and see if I can make some friends somewhere, even if I don't write anymore.
Donno really what to say here. My throat is scratchy and my head hurts. I need to go icon hunting. and ... I need to get my own place. I heart that my auntie bev is moving out of the apartment we used to live in. So we might bea ble to swing getting that place back. If Joe and Jamie moved with us it'd be two hundred a month plus utilities. That's beautiful. We'd be able to get a cable connection and tv and shit. It'd be wonderful. I've been thinking about what I'm going to do after christmas season is over and figure I should start job hunting soon. I'm going to hit up the gas stations near by and the mall closer to my house because I'd rather work close to my house then out at southdale. I have to work today. noon to six. This is the first job I've ever really been proud of. I dont like it but I'm proud. I needed a job. I needed to prove I could get one. Now if they let me stay that would be fan-freaking-tastic. Otherwise I'll have to look elsewhere. It's easier to find a job when you have a job right? right.... is it wrong that every time the boyfriend disapoints me my feelings get so hurt I get depressed and irrational and want to leave to "save" my self? Why do I always feel like that? Why can't I just believe that he loves me like he says? I donno but I came to the conclusion, thrugh my vast over analyzation that the reason I want a girlfriend is so I can fall safely in love with someone else. So that he doesn't hold quite so mucho f me in his palm in case he trys, or doesn't and just ends up hurting me. Cause if I have someone else to confide in and be close with and give love to and get it from then hwen he rips himself from me, I'll still be ok... Anyway.....i donno. someone help. :p
I decided I think I know what I wanna do as far as school. I think I wanna go to school for journalism and photography. Take some buisness managment courses and do psychology as a minor... That's some major school time but I think if i did it that way I'd be able to wrangle a job out of my ass somewhere no matter what right? I think a writer with a psychology background has a better viewo f people to be writing about people if you ask me...
My friend Jamie is taking out a loan to get a computer. I'm so jealous. :p I wanna take out a loan and I might if I go back ot school. I would get a NICE computer, best suited to graphics and I'd get a nice digital camera, and an ipod. Maybe a wacom tablet too. My ma' has a scanner so I don't need one. I decided though that I'm going to buy my own best christmas presant this year. On my next paycheck I'm going to buy or save for either a camera or a ipod. And the rest of my money is going tmy habbits, an outfit and my nails. The next check I'm buying christmas presents for my families and I'm going to put some aside so I can buy a car after christmas. MY mom will let me put some money dwn on something, give me a car and let me make payments. I'm intent on being a biggirl and paying for this one myself.. or trying to at least. Also too I have to pay my grandfather back.
I hate money.
Later. I'm off to look up computers and cameras to taunt myself with which i will never have. :p
I donno where it came from. I was just reading her journal and it popped into my head. Sorry Lish. :p
Anyways, today I gotta go to work at twelve thirty. THat's in half an hour. I work till ten. Which means two things. One, I don't get to do much of anything otday. And two, I probibly won't see the boyfriend today either... He's supposedly on his way here but he's never on time for ANYTHING so he probibly won't be here before I leave in a half hour. That sucks. Hurts my feelings really because if he hadn't been so lazy and had gotten up on time and taken his disks in he could have been here before I went tom y aunties.
I don't get to do anything. All I've done today was get dressed and go with to take my step mom to work. We went tom y aunties, smoked a blunt, watched some soaps and came home and here I am getting ready to go to work.
My toes are frozen and I should put my socks back on probibly but I don't wanna yet. I've got cramps but I refuse to take tylenol till I leave for work because it has to last me there all night. I hope I odn't get sick again this evening. Since I was sick the other day I've felt horribly tired in the evenings and I'm hoping that doesn't happen again.
I am getting my fingernails done when I get paid, and then I'm buying myself some clothes. ALL mine got ruined in the dryer. MY stupid ass brother left a pen in his pocket and I did the first load in the dryer. ... so anyone who has some extra clothes that'll fit a size 12....I want them. Desperately.
Yes. clothes. Donate. :p please. I'll love you if they're cute too. tee-hee. I need a better job. No Jermaine needs a better job so Id on't have to have one and I can dye my hair pink and shit.
I hate the snow because I hate to be cold. I'm always effing cold though. My mom bought me a winter hat and gloves lastnight. I want this really adorible pair of boots I saw at wal-mart. When I get paid I Think I'm going to go buy them. They're black leather with little furry bits poking out in the seams.
I'm tired of my boring hair. I want to dye it pink.
I want to grow wings. The delicate iridecant rainbow colored wings. Like a dragon flys. When I have my wings I want to fly away. Far far away. Where it's always warm and the only things that twinkle in the night air are the stars. Where flowers grow everywhere and fairies fly free. And love isn't only a dream.
Right. Anyways. I need a nap. An anti-depressant. A blunt. And a kiss.
More baby mama drama again. SHe's mad that he saw his son this weekend. Go figure. I hope he doesn't take it as badly as he could. I mean it's not like legally speaking she can even do that. She can't keep him from seeing their son and still ask for child support unless theres an order against visiation. Adn theres not. So... I don't know why she just can't be content with him trying to get on his feet to pay his child support and to get a means to see and provide for his son.
None of my buisness. I keep telling myself that. And sometimes I feel like I should make it so it doesn't affect me at all. Sometimes I feel like he and I should just break up and get it over with. I can't help but feel like somewhere down the road, not even that far, he's going to kick me to the curb and break my heart... Part of me is being self destructive and trying to make it happen sooner. MY feelings get hurt so easy by him now. I feel angry and resentful towards him sometimes and I hate it. I also sometimes just want to...stop returning his phone calls and seeing him all togather. Just leaving him out of my life and not looking back. Sometimes I wish I could so bad. because I'm so scared. I'm scared to get my heart broken and I'm scared for HIM to be the one to break it... But at the same time I'm afraid to be this in love, to have surrendered myself to someone so completely and because now I'm having second thoughts about making that choice because of his thoughtlessness and carelessness. You know what? I think that's why I've been searching for a girl to make friends with... I want someone to be close to, to share my intimate secrets with and all that happy shit. rEally I want a girl I can give love to, that will give it back. Because if I had a friend I can be close with...share my secrets,and hopes, and dreams, and dreads, and trust, and all that everything, I might be ok if he ever breaks my heart. I might have pices of myself invested elsewhere to be able to make me whole again... I donno how to explain it I guess. Whatever.
I've also decided this will be my secret sanctuary. Nothing here will be connected to my life offline. No one I associate with in person (that I've met already) will know this address. So hopefully the people who have been hacking me won't ever know to come to this place to steal my words and pretend to be me.
So feel special, those of you who read this, you see the unbridled utterly honest complete and total me.
I think that's cute. And the beautiful thing about it is my attitude and outlook and mood has actually been on the upside lately. However...I still have this whole I'm going to get down in the dumps about everything bullshit going on. I don't know what the fuck it is but I wish this shit would stop.
On the plus side this really hot chick messaged me today and I read her profile. She sounds a lot like me.
For some reason lately I'm having a big major issue with my little brothers gilrfriend. I can't effing stand her. I hope he dumps her soon so I don't have to deal with her anymore... Or whatever. I guess all I really want is enough money to move the fuck out of here...
My boyfriends dad asked when Iw as going to give him more grand children. AND asked if Sprout and I would move to annendale with him. So I can help watch the kids and we'd have a place to stay... I think that'd be a little weird though cause sprouts dad creeps me out when he's drunk. He gets highly inappropriate.
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sugar_bomb's journal
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